One day a woman came to me to ask for help. She told me her mother was coming for a visit. My mother-in-law (Tania’s mum is visiting at the moment). Sometimes such visits are positive but at other times such visits are not positive. If it had been my mother coming to visit it would have been pleasant. If it had been my father coming to visit it would not have been pleasant. I said to the woman, “Oh that will be nice.” She said, “No, Ian it is not a good thing. I can only stand my mother visiting for a few days. But she is coming for two weeks. I am so stressed and uptight at the prospect of her being with me for two weeks. I need help!”
She then proceeded to tell me, “My mother still treats me like I’m a five year old without the ability to think for myself. I would love to have an adult relationship with my mother but it seems impossible because of the way she treats me. We can’t have an adult conversation: mother and adult daughter. Rather she forces me to bow to her wants, desires and will. I have no say in the matter. That’s just how it is.”
I responded by telling her how it plays out. I said, “Oh I know what happens. She tells you something and when you don’t agree and you tell her what you think, she assumes the role of the mother with a small child and speaks down to you as though you are still a five year old. If that doesn’t work she switches to using ridicule and cuts you down with her words, belittling you. Then if that doesn’t work, and you still insist that what you said was true, she raises her voice and shouts at you thinking that the volume of her voice will beat you into submission. If that still doesn’t work and you protest that you are right in what you say, she turns on the tears and when you see your mother crying you cave in and submit to her will.”
The woman was staring at me incredulously and said, “Ian it is like you have been there when it is happening. How did you know that? You have just outlined exactly the process that happens each time I disagree with my mother. That is exactly the course it takes and in the end I just cave in. it is just like you said. How did you know that?”
I said, “it was easy. That was the exact same process that I went through when talking with my father.” He used condescension, ridicule, shouting me down, then finally crying to get his own way. It is a classic approach. I also saw it in my grandchildren when they were small. It is probably universal. It is a strong indication that your mother is co-dependent on you and so treats you like a child to get her own way. It is like she has not grown up and become an adult and manipulates you to get what she wants. What you have to do is to help her grow up. You have to treat her like you would a small child. When she starts talking to you in a condescending way, tell her, ‘Mum, I am a thirty five year old woman. I long to have an adult conversation with you where we can talk woman to woman. But you treat me like I am five years old. Mum, I will talk with you when you stop talking to me like I am a five year old. Ok!”
When she starts ridiculing you, tell her, ‘Mum, I am your grown up daughter. Let’s talk woman to woman. Don’t ridicule me Mum. Accept me for who I am and recognise that I have valid things to say on the basis of what I too have learned from life. I will talk with you again when you stop ridiculing me. Ok!”
When she starts shouting at you, tell her, ‘Mum, don’t shout at me. Don’t get angry at me because of what I told you. You need to hear it. If you insist on raising your voice to me then go to your room until you can cool down and we can talk rationally. Come back and let’s talk when you can talk without shouting at me. Ok!”
When she starts crying realise it is just a ploy to manipulate you. Don’t enter into an agreement with her that crying will allow her to get her own way. Simply tell her quietly but with insistence, ‘Mum, I am no longer going to let your crying manipulate me. I am your grown-up daughter who longs to have a true mother-daughter relationship with you. Stop crying and let us talk like adults about it. If you can’t, then go to your room until you can control the tears. I will talk with you again when you stop crying.”
She sat there stunned and said, “Ian I don’t know if I can talk to my mother like that. That is going to be the hardest thing to do.”
I said, “You need to realise that your mother is down in a pit, trapped in her reactions to her past. If your mother were a paraplegic or a quadriplegic you would have pity on her and want to help her. You have to realise your mother is incapacitated but not physically. Rather it’s emotional in origin. Joining her in the pit is not helpful to either of you. You have to be strong enough emotionally to help her out of the pit.”
I said, “At least try what I suggested and I will pray for you to be able to do it. It is what needs to happen. Your mother either hasn’t learned to leave dependence behind and becoming truly independent herself. Or she is trying to manipulate you and hold you in the position of the child in your relationship with her because that is what she needs. You have to help her out of that mindset. That is what I had to do with my alcoholic father. You can do it and I will pray for you.” She went off rather unsure about the possibilities of this working but agreed to try it.
She came back at the end of the two weeks ecstatic. She told me, “Ian, I did what you told me and for the first time in my life I ended up being able to talk with my mother as a grown-up. It was amazing. Thank you so much. I didn’t even have to go through all the stages. She listened to my input and she realised she needed to change. Thank you, thank you, thank you!